I've relied on the Warden and dissociating to hide from my past.
After months of watching others heal, I'm ready to focus on myself. Not going over my past maybe, but - treating myself like a human.
I have always viewed myself as dead.
This weird cold/blue corpse, stuck in purgatory.
I was haunted by shadows and holding in all my grief and pain from the system.
I didn't treat myself like I was worthy of being a living being. I didn't think that I didn't deserve it, but there was a nostalgic/home-like feeling in revealing in abusing myself.
Since Fergus integrating with Bean, I have been very lonely. But - though I'm not ready to divulge anything, talk to the system, or go through my past - I'm ready to try to enjoy the life I have now.
I'm not going to immediately go "I love myself and my body and my life." I'm going to start slow.
I am safe in this apartment - I paid for it myself - I can support myself.
This body serves me in experiencing this world.
I am able to enjoy the things I love through the internet and the way my apartment has been decorated to be.
My system cares for me and they are my family.
It's okay to say goodbye to people who hurt me when I needed them most.
It's okay to move on.
I have people around me who DO truly care. I must focus on cultivating friendship with them.