I want to know I exist.
Recently I've been trying to get my head around what is real and what is not. Sometimes I walk around outside and it feels like what I'm looking at is just a video game - not like 'this is
useless and I will do whatever I want' but rather that I am so detached from my existence and my experiences in my body it feels as thought my body is moving on its own and I cannot connect with reality at all.
I feel like I'm just looking at images in front of my face and anything I'm feeling or seeing is happening to someone else, like I am interpreting all these things minutes after they happened, and then later I forgot that those things ever happened. The walk I took - I forget it. The movie I saw - I watched a movie?? WHEN? The party I went to - wait what party?
I can't tell I'm a real person sometimes and it feels like everything that's happened to me or that IS happening to me isn't real. I don't even know if I drew this image. Though I know I must have.
I know that sometimes I feel like there is more than one person inside of me. That there are other people who have their own stories and artwork and they desperately want to be heard and seen - and yet that sounds insane. I'm ONE person. I am responsible for my own happiness. I can fix this. I am just inventing my own problems to create drama in my life. It MUST because how did this idea get into my head? When did this become a thing?
Oh my god, I just remembered I streamed on Tuesday. What did I play? What did I do? Why do I feel bad about it?! What's scary is when I think about it one of the characters I draw often pops into my head and has explanations. Why is this image of Sunny captioned this way? Do they feel responsible for things? I feel like they think they are a manager of sorts and just want glory and attention - don't we all - and they feel hidden and fear they are being forgotten.
Do you see how these thoughts are scaring me? That I could think that something in my head could have that much sentience? They keep screaming "2018! I handled that!" and yesterday I was watching "James and the Giant Peach" and when the centipede came on I just saw her in him. I saw Sunny's personality and I felt embarrassment and mirth in my head and 'validation'.
I mean does that even make sense?
That this 'thing' that - all these 'characters' say I have - that maybe they are more than that? I've done SO MUCH research on this and it breaks my heart because this could not possibly be me.
"Creative" My therapist says. "You're just really creative. This is a creative solution your brain came up with the cope with life."
I don't have a tragic past - cope with what? I'm so confused and upset. I feel like I go back and forth on this. Some days it is SO CLEAR that this must be what is the matter with me and yet other days like today my brain is so quiet - at least until I mention that it is quiet then I get threats of "we can be loud and annoying but you have work you need to do so make your mind up." So, I'm grateful that I can have peace throughout the day SOMETIMES.... yet. I have a laundry list of excuses and explanations for this that keep getting crossed out because of so called 'evidence' from streams, videos, experiences with friends, DMs that I never sent, etc.... When Sunny first chose this "form" as "Yeah I wanna look like this in the head forever now this is dope~!" he became the loudest voice in the head....... but again I remember that happening with Miskui.. and Sage... and Arachnia. Ecto. Mega. Did they all come in after something happened to just 'take charge'?
AGAIN. No wonder I have no friends and people think I'm nuts and people stopped talking to me. Damn, I wanna stop talking to me. But a voice in my mind says "Just one day at a time."
Ecto always brings up that life is like a spiral staircase - you keep moving upwards but you will always keep going around and meeting similar problems to those you had in the past - but though it feels like you are going in circles - you are always climbing higher.
At least I can function again as a human being. I'll keep getting better and maybe I'm having a mental breakdown lol or maybe this is a real thing - either way one day at a time. One day at a time! Deep breaths.