Update and Introducing our Inner World
So for anyone who doesn't know yet, hello, we recently found out we are a system and have experienced past trauma that has led to the creation of us as 'parts' and this inner world that we tend to on a daily basis.
To get out of the way - this is not a fun disorder. This is not something you wish you had. This is not a fun time. Not all of us get along and not all of us want to get along and more often than not there are terrifying panic attacks, black outs where I wake up with something physically done to me by another alter, losing control of my body, etc... We don't talk about the bad things often because - who wants to.
But the one thing that came out of our pain and past was this 'world' and it is interesting how we all interacted with it without knowing each other and how things changed when we realized "Oh. You're not just like that npc walking around - you are genuinely sentient in this made-up world that I'm in." That in itself caused a lot of drama over the past months.
Dealing with the realization that life was NOT what we thought it was (and we still refer to ourselves as 'I' the vast majority of the time but we'll use 'we' here for clarity) was terrifying and the realization that the 'ghosts' and 'demonic dreams' or the 'possessions' and 'hallucinations' were real in a way - but a different way now - caused a lot of grief.
So after a really long talk with all of us (which is really hard to do for us right now so it took time and effort) and everything that has happened - we have spent a few months trying our best to talk with each other and learn to understand each other.
Right now we have a core group of parts that can act as hosts or can front if they want and we have one we call the 'Aparant Normal Part'(the one good at going to work and taking care 'outside the house' work) and the other we call the 'Main host'(one that is connected most to all of us, mostly by grief and guilt) and their 'Designated Protector'(a part that literally just stays with them as much as possible to keep them positive).
The one thing we suffer with on the surface is what we can bring to the world - if anything at all. We know we must spend our time trying o heal and fix ourselves but that leans into walling ourselves in and never talking with anyone or only a select few. Going silent online is something we don't want to do as currently, it's really our best communication tool with the world and those around us.
But something we do have, if it is of any value to anyone else, is our extensive Inner World and the insane stories that happen in it. We don't simply go to the inner world. It's a place were we go when we get ready for bed, it's a place we go when we are having panic attacks, it's a place we go with our parts when we could simply be stuck in a taxi when our phone battery is at 2%. This world is something we've all worked on tirelessly since before we could even talk. It grew from a forest, a single tree, and a planet that was crushed into bits.
But each island belonged to a different part, the core planet with the tree has an outside and an inside - and it slowly has evolved over time again and again as we 'physically' resolve our mental pain by changing this world inside us.
Now disclaimer, we know our brain is just mushy meat and this isn't a REAL LIFE place but it is something that we used for our entire life to deal with 'bad things' as our little would say. So this is what we always go back to when creating artwork.
So, like what Ecto did with his story of "Estelle and Kevin" that we made on Youtube - I would genuinely like to tell the story of our inner world. Because it isn't just these still images. We go inside the small houses on each of those islands, there's winding tunnels in the roots of the large tree, ex. Sunny's Gas station is fully 'functional' as you go into the casino and there are people, a layout - you go down the hallway and take the elevator up to his office. If we draw it it's because it becomes so clear in our heads and sometimes parts go and rummage through Pinterest to find the perfect doorway or the perfect style for how they want to decorate something. Sometimes things get burned down and they stay that way until we rebuild it. These are all things that exist in a way - in our head, yeah I feel weird saying that - and it's literally all we can give.
So storytimes. I think I genuinely want to try this. We have a book being made that is combining our artwork to semi show the world as much as we have so far. We could use it to tell stories of what's happened.
Again disclaimer before I leave, this is the one (1) nice thing that we have from this disorder that we are willing to be like 'yeeaaah we proud' but this is something that I would not ask for nor wish upon someone for the sheer amount of pain we go through at times. It's not a super power, it's not a fun game - it's us having a panic attack and then starring at a wall for 2 hours crying alone while someone inside tries to comfort us while another is screaming to kill myself for something I can't remember - and then years of not feeling we can tell anyone for being "psychotic".
So. We are trying to stand right now and own ourselves and see the positive light in our situation and - this world and the stories we've created in it is what makes us happy. So if you want us to share let us know. I* might want to anyway because - you never know until you try and we got 20-25ish years of stories to tell. Some are dark, some are light, some are disgustingly cute and some are cold and scary - So now that we've talked in circles let us know. <3
- Bean. ANP. Haisworth(didnt say anything but good moral support).