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Working together

I think the hardest thing is that we all are driven in different directions.

Drag, Digital Art, Painting, Junk Journaling, Streaming, Video editing, Comics, etc.. etc.. and when someone else fronts - it's like, there is no remembering of what we were working on unless it is directly in front of us.

We have to do the same in our fridge - we line everything up in front and if it dares fall behind something else - well - unless the person who bought it and is fronting remembers - it is L O S T. We feel that way about our projects.

I know that we must finish Wraps and Scraps. We know we owe people that - the timing of working on it was terrible and I wish the way things happened - happened differently. There has been so much pain and change the last three years and I wish I could remember 2019 at all. I heard it was lovely for a few months there. Though I know that was Ecto's enthusiasm for tranquility.

We need to finish our projects. One by one, maybe not in order but we must finish them. It's like having a million applications running on your computer at once. Sage had a few short stories, Misty and Gregory have videos they want to do, Sunny has an entire list of things to do and Ecto's desire to do drag is bottomless (Haisworth wants a new puppet because it's been 5 years). Wraps and Scraps, we have learned is Mega's and she has the most trouble contacting most of us for a reason I am unaware of - and we must finish it for those who donated and to get it off of our mind.

I wish I was better at art and what I could do. I wish I was worth the wait for content and people would be interested. I'm not even sure if I'm passionate about this at all or if it's just a compulsion built into me to deal with stress and anxiety (like how when an animal eating gets a little spooked and shoves the rest of their food in their mouth on reflex?). I make something, and the build to making it is arduous and sometimes boring. I had to force myself to finish Ecto's coat for his video and I only had 3 panels to sew but I just. did. not. want. to. But when it was done I felt like 'HEY! It's DONE!' for a little bit. Now, it's been a few hours, and I'm back to 'ugh. it just takes up space in my apartment.'

Where is my pride in my work? Is it because I made it and didn't hear an external 'yay! it looks great' from another human being that triggered my brain to call it trash? I don't think it's trash and yet if I was forced to make another if it got trashed I wouldn't feel bad. It would just be more work. And who else would care but me?

Forgive the rambling, I'm exhausted and hungry for some reason. I just have no idea how something can be driven by something so internal and yet the ultimate seal of approval must come externally. That feels toxic. Yet damn, I need to hear it so bad.

So many people tell me that my work should be enough for me, that I should just be happy to exist with it. Is that really enough?

Maybe I was just meant to exist in this apartment by myself with walls full of things no one else will see. After years of trying to be seen, I still feel like a little girl trying to please her parents like 'Please tell me I'm good. Please tell me what I am now, in this moment, is enough. Tell me this mountain I've created for you is enough for you to love me - because this mountain is the inside of my head and I am trying my best to show it to you. I want you to see me. I want you to see how I've been hurting and how I can't heal properly. I want to show you all the things I can't say. Just tell me it's enough so I can stop.'

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